I will be back soon.
My sister has become “cruise-a-nista”, she has always been a lover of traveling….getting a plane and just go….
A few years ago she was invited on a cruise vacation by one of her closest friends. Since then she has been on a cruise every opportunity she gets. She would boast the her paparazzi pics of every port and on board function the ship organized.
Of course she’s encouraged me many times to try it, but I can’t seem to get the “Titanic” image from my mind. Today as I sat at a boardwalk cafe enjoying a “pannini” amidst the hustle and chatter of the many tourist who docked at Nevis St. Pier; taking in the majestic presence of the floating hotels (aka cruise ships) docked on the pier I couldn’t help but wonder what it felt like being a tourist.
To be greeted by the smiling bartender; who allowed me to take his picture on the condition I did not show it to the FBI because he’s a wanted man. For as he puts it, his body is wanted by every woman worldwide.
Until next time…..
What is it about the 31st of December that gets everyone so excited they stay up or wake up to count down seconds to the dropping of a ball.
Or reverses the three hundred and sixty four (364) days of the self induced amnesia of friends who only remembers you’re friends on December 31st, who, filled with remorse calls and wishes you a happy healthy and prosperous new year, as part of their commitment to be a better person aka “new years resolution”, and then falls right back into their self induced amnesia as soon as the receiver hits the base.
Is January 1st, signifying the start of a new year more portent, than the start of any other day, 365 of which comprises an entire year.
Could it be that mythical mix of emotion, and palpable expectation that all our screw ups, heartbreaks, disappointments and failures will be lumped into “last year’s mistakes”. Hinging on the hope that next year will be different we await the count down, the ball drop, the fire works and angelic harmony of “Auld Lang Syne” holding hands, joining hearts and hugs.
The whole meaning behind of the “Auld Lang Syne” New years eve song, is old friends whose life have taken them in different direction, meeting again sharing a drink; celebrating the friendship, recalling all they had endured as friends.
These days New years eve celebrations have become a money making extravaganza where some friends scheme together to throw a party; charge both their old and new friends anywhere from $75 to $270 dollars to come ring in the new year with them . They stock a bar, set a theme, hand out some ninety-nine cents party favors, and offer a few miniature bite-size party food they call “hors d’oeuvres”.
So there you are at this fancy party where all the socialites you aspire to befriend are in full attendance. Walking on their coat tails you scope the place like a peacock in heat, with your fake laugh and plastic grin as you strolled right pass the old friend with whom mere hours ago you called up to bid best wishes for the new year with vows of getting together more often…..
Would that every day was new years eve.
Until next time…….
Variety is the spice of life, funny thing is LIFE often gets in the way of living. It’s so easy to fall into a mundane routine of day-to-day activities that always seem so highly important and time-consuming; we convince ourselves that we are actually living, when we are merely existing.
So this evening I dragged myself out from my mental deception of living; got all “gussied” up / left the house / physically got into my car and drove to the city. The final destination was an “open mic” expressions poetry/spoken word event of which the main feature was the viewing of a “short film” written/performed by a very talented sister-friend. Nugget: “Friends are few and far between for me; I don’t make friends easily but once I befriend; you will have a friend for life. I don’t follow the crowd or do something because its popular; I am as real as real is; I can’t fake it til I make it (to my own detriment in some situations)”
Now this sister-friend is extremely talented and real…..now to say she have balls would be an insult because those thing are so dam sensitive! Nah this sister-friend has a “vagina” or as I tell my lil one ” a va-j-jay” 🙂 🙂 . to paraphrase Betty White “who needs balls they are too sensitive, grow a vagina because those things can take a pounding.” The title of my sister-friend’s short film is “Dinner” and although there were shots of food cooking on a stove; the meal served could be eaten but not chewed or digested. I thoroughly enjoyed every short second of it and the entertainment that followed after.
The down side of the evening was it left me hungry for “dinner” and magnified the harsh reality that the only chef I wanted to serve me, was miles over many a waters…..and that dinner was a meal that can not be cooked or served on skype. 😦
Kudos Meka girl…..you rock sweetie!!!!
Until next time……
Recently I posted the question “is looking back worthwhile if it causes you pain?”. A friend gave a resounding “yes!”.
They say in order to know where you are going you must first understand where you’re from, in essence your past. I wonder how many of the “they-sayers” enjoyed looking back at their past….hmmm 🙂 .
When I look at my past what do I see…..? “I see……a little girl in need of love, who was loved but somehow lost the ability to feel that love or even recognize what “love” even looked like. I see a preteen in desperate need for maternal reassurance, and adolescent acceptance by her peers. I remember a teen so scared of intimacy her first kiss was at sixteen and almost twenty when she gave it all up. Not because she wanted to but because she felt she had to, it was expected. I see a girl who was not one of the girls, but one of the boys. Looked good but not into her looks, bombarded with bouts of insecurity and suicidal thoughts silently screaming for help! I see a girl hated by her female peers because she fitted in with the one group where she felt she could be herself – “the boys”
Looking back of all the things I had done if I could take back one thing, it would be that night. It scared me deeper than I ever admitted to myself or anyone. That night for me was the equivalent of rape. Earlier this year I sat down with Mr. X and we spoke or rather I spoke……about that night, he was in total shock to hear what that night had done to me, mentally, emotionally. It was an “ah ha” moment, light bulbs came on as he was finally able to understand why I behaved/acted the way I did all these years and openly admitted he could have handled it better…..hmmm “if wishes were horses…..”
That one night affected every relationship/sexual encounter thereafter, until I grabbed a hold of myself, my sanity.
I thank God everyday for my child….I tell her constantly she was the best accident I ever had and I am so grateful for the moment of clarity and strength to turn around and walk away from the doctors office the day we drove to abort her (Oh she knows). Oh sooooo freaking grateful…..you have no idea. This child is my joy my sanity, my balance, my conscience, I see God in her everyday. When I look at her I see the goodness of God. Oh there have been struggles, but this child…..words can’t express. She is my reason!
Few years ago a friend gave me a movie to watch called “Sankofa” it was not the best cinematography, but the message was clear. After viewing it I researched the word “Sankofa” and found it derived from the Akan people of West Africa. Sankofa expressed in the Akan language as “se wo were fi na wosan kofa a yenki”, literally means ” its not taboo to go back and fetch what you forgot”
Sankofa teaches that we must go back to our roots (or root of the problem) in order to move forward. We should reach back and gather the best of what our past has to teach us, so we can achieve our full potential as we move forward. Whatever we have lost, forgotten, forgone, or been stripped of can be reclaimed, revived, preserved and perpetuated.
Mothers teach your daughters what love looks and feels like, fathers teach your sons how to treat a female, she might not be a lady in your book, but she’s all that in Gods eyes.
Echoing my friends response of a resounding “Yes” looking back is worthwhile even if it causes pain, for without pain there can be no healing. You cannot heal what you do not admit or recognize is broken. Allow yourself to feel the pain….its proof that you are alive and your body is working…..heal yourself!
Until next time…..
Its been one of those seasons; you know when everything seems to just roll into each other……..time, days, deadlines. Wake up Monday go to sleep and its Sunday only to fall asleep and wake up to Monday again. Its like walking down a bustling path during early morning rush hour, heads bobbing up and down; everybody heading in the same direction where for the next thirty to forty-five minutes the only thing they knowingly had in common was their mode of transportation. Self-imposed deadline and time frames; never-ending to do lists; giving forty of my best hours every week to the 9 to 5.
Sleep comes in spades or not at all; the television and the internet becomes the lullaby that rocks me to sleep; forcibly closing my eyes only to have images and thoughts running a marathon in my head. Reminding myself to remember……schedules to keep; reports to complete; presentations to prepare; meetings to attend; and still after the 9 to 5 I must wear a different cap and become mommy, sister, friend with meals to prepare, conversations to entertain, home work to oversee, and house to keep, weekend outings and movie dates with the love of my life 🙂 for whom I do all this for. At least that’s what I keep telling myself ………..when what I really need to do is slow the ‘flow’ down…………………..
I don’t need a playback or a rewind….. I just need a pause……:)
Until next time……..
Lately I have been not consumed yet I can’t find another appropriate word, but concerned about life living change and affecting change. Months now a school mate who passed away from cancer has been on my mind. It has been almost twenty years since she died. Yesterday another school mate posted a video on fb and basically dedicated it to the memory of the same school mate that passed of cancer. Coincidence….I don’t know?
The subject of my last post was “how will I be remembered”, here twenty years later our friend is being remembered, that one post caused others to comment and remember her.
This morning I am extremely grateful and to say I don’t know why would be…..*shrugs shoulders*…..I do know. Life! It brought me to tears at the mercy and grace bestowed on my life. I am concerned about not wasting it. Everybody has regrets, but living when we have life should not be one of them.
I asked myself “would I want to find out if I had cancer, would I want to know” knowing would require a response, it would require action and because my life is not my own, there are a few that need me to be around for as long as possible. So would I not owe it to them and myself to do all in my power to ensure I fight and not give up?
Why go looking for something that’s not showing any signs and symptoms? If the master wanted you to know he would make you see something right? Do you also know that he gave us intuition……stop looking for signs and use what is before you. It might not be a spectacular or miraculous display of signs. Too often we forget and ignore that still small voice…..
Until next time……