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would that everyday was “new years eve”….

What is it about the 31st of December that gets everyone so excited they stay up or wake up to count down seconds to the dropping of a ball.

Or reverses the three hundred and sixty four (364) days of the self induced amnesia of friends who only remembers you’re friends on December 31st, who, filled with remorse calls and wishes you a happy healthy and prosperous new year, as part of their commitment to be a better person aka “new years resolution”, and then falls right back into their self induced amnesia as soon as the receiver hits the base.

Is January 1st, signifying the start of a new year more portent, than the start of any other day, 365 of which comprises an entire year.

Could it be that mythical mix of emotion, and palpable expectation that all our screw ups, heartbreaks, disappointments and failures will be lumped into “last year’s mistakes”. Hinging on the hope that next year will be different we await the count down, the ball drop, the fire works and angelic harmony of “Auld Lang Syne” holding hands, joining hearts and hugs.

The whole meaning behind of the “Auld Lang Syne” New years eve song, is old friends whose life have taken them in different direction, meeting again sharing a drink; celebrating the friendship, recalling all they had endured as friends.

These days New years eve celebrations have become a money making extravaganza where some friends scheme together to throw a party; charge both their old and new friends anywhere from $75 to $270 dollars to come ring in the new year with them . They stock a bar, set a theme, hand out some ninety-nine cents party favors, and offer a few miniature bite-size party food they call “hors d’oeuvres”.

So there you are at this fancy party where all the socialites you aspire to befriend are in full attendance. Walking on their coat tails you scope the place like a peacock in heat, with your fake laugh and plastic grin as you strolled right pass the old friend with whom mere hours ago you called up to bid best wishes for the new year with vows of getting together more often…..

Would that every day was new years eve.

Until next time…….

K

 
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Posted by on January 8, 2012 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

Looking back to what was….

Recently I posted the question “is looking back worthwhile if it causes you pain?”. A friend gave a resounding “yes!”.

They say in order to know where you are going you must first understand where you’re from, in essence your past. I wonder how many of the “they-sayers” enjoyed looking back at their past….hmmm ūüôā .

When I look at my past what do I see…..? “I see……a little girl in need of love, who was loved but somehow lost the ability to feel that love or even recognize what “love” even looked like. I see a preteen in desperate need for maternal reassurance, and adolescent acceptance by her peers. I remember a teen so scared of intimacy her first kiss was at sixteen and almost twenty when she gave it all up. Not because she wanted to but because she felt she had to, it was expected. I see a girl who was not one of the girls, but one of the boys. Looked good but not into her looks, bombarded with bouts of insecurity and suicidal thoughts silently screaming for help! I see a girl hated by her female peers because she fitted in with the one group where she felt she could be herself – “the boys”

Looking back of all the things I had done if I could take back one thing, it would be that night. It scared me deeper than I ever admitted to myself or anyone. That night for me was the equivalent of rape. Earlier this year I sat down with Mr. X and we spoke or rather I spoke……about that night, he was in total shock to hear what that night had done to me, mentally, emotionally. It was an “ah ha” moment, light bulbs came on as he was finally able to understand why I behaved/acted the way I did all these years and openly admitted he could have handled it better…..hmmm “if wishes were horses…..”

That one night affected every relationship/sexual encounter thereafter, until I grabbed a hold of myself, my sanity.

I thank God everyday for my child….I tell her constantly she was the best accident I ever had and I am so grateful for the moment of clarity and strength to turn around and walk away from the doctors office the day we drove to abort her (Oh she knows). Oh sooooo freaking grateful…..you have no idea. This child is my joy my sanity, my balance, my conscience, I see God in her everyday. When I look at her I see the goodness of God. Oh there have been struggles, but this child…..words can’t express. She is my reason!

Few years ago a friend gave me a movie to watch called “Sankofa” it was not the best cinematography, but the message was clear. After viewing it I researched the word “Sankofa” and found it derived from the Akan people of West Africa. Sankofa expressed in the Akan language as “se wo were fi na wosan kofa a yenki”, literally means ” its not taboo to go back and fetch what you forgot”

Sankofa teaches that we must go back to our roots (or root of the problem) in order to move forward. We should reach back and gather the best of what our past has to teach us, so we can achieve our full potential as we move forward. Whatever we have lost, forgotten, forgone, or been stripped of can be reclaimed, revived, preserved and perpetuated.

Mothers teach your daughters what love looks and feels like, fathers teach your sons how to treat a female, she might not be a lady in your book, but she’s all that in Gods eyes.

Echoing my friends response of a resounding “Yes” looking back is worthwhile even if it causes pain, for without pain there can be no healing. You cannot heal what you do not admit or recognize is broken. Allow yourself to feel the pain….its proof that you are alive and your body is working…..heal yourself!

Until next time…..

K

 
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Posted by on November 9, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

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my life is not my own….

Lately I have been not consumed yet I can’t find another appropriate word, but concerned about life living change and affecting change. Months now a school mate who passed away from cancer has been on my mind. It has been almost twenty years since she died. Yesterday another school mate posted a video on fb and basically dedicated it to the memory of the same school mate that passed of cancer. Coincidence….I don’t know?

The subject of my last post was “how will I be remembered”, here twenty years later our friend is being remembered, that one post caused others to comment and remember her.

This morning I am extremely grateful and to say I don’t know why would be…..*shrugs shoulders*…..I do know. Life! It brought me to tears at the mercy and grace bestowed on my life. I am concerned about not wasting it. Everybody has regrets, but living when we have life should not be one of them.

I asked myself “would I want to find out if I had cancer, would I want to know” knowing would require a response, it would require action and because my life is not my own, there are a few that need me to be around for as long as possible. So would I not owe it to them and myself to do all in my power to ensure I fight and not give up?

Why go looking for something that’s not showing any signs and symptoms? If the master wanted you to know he would make you see something right? Do you also know that he gave us intuition……stop looking for signs and use what is before you. It might not be a spectacular or miraculous display of signs. Too often we forget and ignore that still small voice…..

Until next time……

K

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings, Random

 

How will I be remembered?

This morning someone I would consider an acquaintance called me to offer them some words of encouragement. They had just ended a very toxic relationship which although was not sudden, the pain they felt was unbearable.

Sometimes as women we put ourselves on such high moral pedestals, at times so far removed from our reality, and when we fall we consider ourselves failure, less than, and in the process deny ourselves “our right to grieve”. Once we have accepted the responsibility of our choice to enter into or stay in any situation we “should not” then turn around and cast all the blame on the other party, totally holding ourselves unaccountable or blame free. We must learn to count the cost, and accept loss as a learning experience for growth rather that a curse of failure and defeat. Its not easy, but its doable.

I have shared with this individual in the past exchanging common life experiences, and there have been moments when words they uttered during these exchanges had offered clarity or encouragement in that moment. (Sometimes talking can be therapeutic.) They thanked me because my words rang true and although hearing them was tough it was what they needed to hear. She was thanking me for my candor.

However, after I got off the phone with the individual it had me thinking “how will I be remembered?”

I was not always like this and not everyone is receptive to the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In my formative years I have rubbed some persons the wrong way, as I’m sure I’ve done even as a grown woman. So I wondered how will I be remembered, I am many things to different people, but will they be saddened or indifferent if they were told Keitha passed away? Who would attended my funeral? Who would miss me, would my name be good spoken of or will it be evil. It might all sound like vanity and I know the good book calls these things vanity. And yes I know what and whose opinion is important, but if not to effect change in someone’s life other than my own then I would feel my existence is a vain and shallow one.

I want to matter, I want to do a job so well that even after I am gone my work will speak for itself. I want to be an agent of change, for myself and for mankind. Not in a boastful and *bragadocious* manner but as one who genuinely cared about helping others.

I remember this line from a funeral I attended once “it matters not if you lie in state but in what state you lie”. What I garnered from that was its not about position/place but condition. So you hold a big political or important office/position but what condition are you in morally, spiritually, emotionally…

How will you be remembered?

Until next time…..

K

 
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Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings, Random

 

I used to love him…..

I can hear it now….the Mis-education record playing in the background and the melodic vocals of Ms Hill strumming the very fabric of my emotions as she sung “I used to love him, but now I don’t”. The first half rung true “I used to love him…..”, really love him. I fell!

Sex was…..lost for words….

When I was with him I learned so much about myself, about my sexuality; what I like and didn’t like, how I liked it…… It was a very liberating season in my life.

We spent over three years together; had so many arguments; several episodes of mistrust; but nights and days of passion. Our fights/arguments were as passionate as our sexual escapades.

Then D day came. I knew after that day nothing would ever be the same. He was leaving; not me or us but he was leaving the island. We spent the night before arguing of course and packing. Its amazing how different a situation looks in the morning. Reality bites harder in the daylight than it does at night or even in the dark.

In the morning I was inconsolable, even through the kisses, the caress and the love making I cried. When it was time to really say goodbye I could not bring myself to move away from the car, and his words of reassurance lacked the conviction required to convince my heart that the thoughts in my head were a fallacy.

Long distance is just that “a long distance”. So eventually I called it quits. I was angry, almost bitter but with time I was able to let go of most of it. I said most because the more time that passed the more lucid my thoughts became. I truly began to see where and how I had compromised. I don’t hate him, I am not angry with him but I was disappointed.

Its been almost three years since I have spoken to or seen him. So imagine my surprise of being awaken this weekend to be told, I had a visitor. Curiosity got me out of bed but unresolved feelings and emotions caused me to shut my door after recognizing it was “him”.

Lately I have felt like I don’t have the time for a full time man, I have a full time job, but I’m a warm blood woman with God given needs. Seeing him before me on Saturday left me with flashbacks, wandering thoughts and vaguely familiar feelings of satisfaction with climax after climax after climax.

All day I had to admit to myself that “I used to love him….and still do ūüė¶ ”

Until next time

K

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

Innocence isn’t so innocent anymore….

Parents please take note!!!!!!!

As a little girl coming up to teen years¬†I remember the fad that developed with plastic¬†bracelets, mainly one colour “black”.¬† Back then we referred to them as “power bands” or “black power”.¬† Gradually different colour bands/bracelets were introduced.¬† When we wore them back in the 80’s it was simply a fashion trend, at least that’s what I knew; if they held any other meaning, in my innocence, I was oblivious to it.

Now¬†I look forward to every second of my lil¬†ones growth and development; I look forward to introducing her to the little things which brought me joy, but allowing her to express her personality at the same time.¬† One of those things were “plastic coloured power bands¬†(not the funny shaped “so-called¬†friendship bands”), which I came across the other day in all colour shade and tone imaginable.¬† I was tickled pink; so excited I wanted to get a set for myself as well when that lil¬†voice in my head said “girl there’s no fool like an old fool – act your age” ūüôā ūüôā ūüôā .¬† Anywho’s…..I purchased a set for her both the solid and translucent colours, along with the matching rings.¬† When I gave them to her I was even more pleased to see her response to them was just as enthusiastic¬†as mine (*angels playing harps descending from the sky with a background choir¬†simply saying ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!; cheesy grin on my face doing the happy dance..she thinks her mom is cool / would whoop her ass but cool).¬† When the school term began we realized there was some allowances for the students to wear these bands,¬†since to a large extent some colours are in support of raising awareness to certain medical ailments such as cancer etc.¬† When she asked me if she could wear hers I agreed, but only two at any one time.

So imagine my surprise when the lil¬†one and I were having our daily debriefing¬†bonding session¬†(that’s when we share with each other the events that transpired through out our day), she said to me:

Lil One: hey mom did you know that these bands have meanings,

Me: what kind of meaning

Lil One: I don’t know exactly; I hear people at school talking about the colours mean different things.

*silence…….blank stares…..thoughts firing off in my head*

Me: Ok babe let me check it out.

With the help of google I started to search…….my mouth dropped as I came upon a very specific website listing what all the colours meant.¬† Immediately I confiscated them from her and after I made her read the meanings she was more than happy to give them back.¬† Taking nothing for granted we agreed she would wear them only when we went out together and no more to school.¬† Prevention is better than cure is what I grew up hearing and I firmly believe in it.¬† We do not want an innocent act to attract any unwarranted solicitation.

Following is the context as written on the website:

QUOTE…..

Meaning of Colored Jelly Bracelets

HomeDisability  Sexuality

By Jane Myers– 2009-04-07

Jelly Bracelets with different color meanings have been used in many¬† health and fitness campaigns to fight cancer and other diseases. However today’s¬† youth have devised a new sexual meaning for the wearing of the bracelets and¬† they are a trend in some schools.

Jelly bracelets are thin rubbery bands which can be worn one at a time or  interconnected together on the wrists, ankles, or around the neck. They are  available in an array of colors.

Jelly Bracelets with different color meanings have been used in many health and fitness campaigns to fight cancer and other diseases. However today’s youth have devised a new sexual meaning for the wearing of the bracelets and they are a trend in some schools.

The wearing of jelly bracelets started when Lance Armstrong, an athlete¬† overcame cancer and defied the odds. As a way of helping to fund cancer research¬† he helped to design and sell a simple bracelet that was yellow and had the¬† words, “Live Strong” on them. The colored bracelets caught on and Lance raised¬† millions of dollars in cancer research money. Other health foundations around¬† the world have set up similar funds as well.

Today jelly bracelets, or sex bracelets, are currently popular among high¬† school students. It is said the bracelets are color-coded according to the¬† wearer’s willingness to perform certain sexual acts. Kids in many high schools¬† refer to them as “sex bracelets” and the different colors can denote the wearers¬† sexual preference(s), or be used in games.

In a sexual game called snap, a boy or girl snaps or breaks a bracelet off  the wearers wrist. The rules of snap can require players to do all manner of  things from kissing to actual intercourse, depending upon the color of the  bracelet.

Colored Jelly Bracelets Meanings

Black – the wearer will have regular “missionary” sex
Blue Рindicates  oral sex performed on a guy
Clear Рindicates a willingness to do anything  the snapper wants
Green – indicates that oral sex can be performed on a girl
Glittery Blue – is willing to perform anal sex
Glittery Clear – wearer¬† will let the snappee “feel up” or touch any body part
Glittery Green – the¬† wearer is willing to “69”
Glittery Pink – willing to “flash” a body¬† part
Glittery Purple – willing to French kiss
Glittery Yellow Рindicates  kissing and hugging is acceptable
Yellow – wearer is willing to hug
Pink –¬† wearer is willing to give a hickey
Orange Рwearer is willing to  kiss
Purple – wearer is willing to kiss a partner of either sex
Red –¬† wearer is willing to perform a lap dance
White Рwearer will flash what they  have.

Sex bracelets are a silly teen fad with a dangerous sexual twist. The bright¬†colored bracelets are popular with teens, but they’re creating controversy and¬† many children, and even adults, wear these decorative bracelets without any¬† sexual connotation or meaning whatsoever.

Do not let students who have made up sexual meanings deter you from buying a  jelly bracelet if you know the money is going to medical research or a good  cause.

UNQUOTE……

 

Until next time……..

K

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

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What do you really “want” ?

Do you know?

I must confess I do not always know what I want; sometimes I ask myself the question and the response most time is “nothing”.¬† Now that’s not really true is it?¬† Have you ever heard of “dreams deferred”; no worries its just the word ‘dreams’ with deferred at the end of it.¬† Deep!….yes I know ūüôā

Anywhoz….its like this – you have plans, hope, desires, needs and all those little big things that keep us humans always wanting and never satisfied, especially ‘us’ ladies.¬† Some of us have a laundry list of what we are looking for or desire in a man/companion and we are so damn adamant that we will not stray, or deviate from our pristine list of “impossible qualities”.(Qualities we ourselves do not possess, and here I stress¬†do not.)¬† Oft we think we do because we have built up in our heads a utopian personality that is not even a third of what/how ¬†we really are!

Girls be honest you know what I’m¬†talking about…..in your head you can distinctly remember when in highschool you could eat anything and not gain¬†one pound; your physique allowed you to wear almost anything.¬† Fast forward¬†five ten years…….work, hectic¬†lifestyle; late night drinking binges; and any food of choice.¬† Reluctantly you admit to yourself that you have gained a pound or two, but soon faced with the truth when you try on an outfit which on the rack looked like your perfect size; get into the dressing room and the vision in your mind is at war with the vision in the mirror.¬† Despite the fact that the outfit you are trying on confers with what the mirror is saying..you beging to argue with the designer in your head that they are cutting the sizes too small these days; you remembered when you slid on a size six (6) pair of jeans with room to spare……and now the size eight (8) refuses to pass your hips.

Just like the vision in the mirror….reality begins to bite as the months turn into years without any prospective or even remotely promising “Mr. Right”, and you struggle to understand where and why have you not found anyone with at least five (5) of the qualities on your laundry list….hmmm do we even need to go there.

What I have come to realize as I continue to live life is that nothing ever goes completely according to plan, there is always some glitch, some bump in the road on a mapped out journey.  Its like the more I plan the more the route/path/outcome changes, most times the outcome is beyond my highest expectation and at others its disappointing but workable.

The key is to remain flexible¬†because if life was fixed; if each path was already mapped out precisely on time (punto!!!) what would be the joy of living.¬† God could have made it so we had no choice, but He gave us a unique gift “free will” to choose whatever path we desire.¬† So why look the gift horse in the mouth and say>>>no-no¬†that’s not what I want, it must have this, and this, and this…….!!

Always expect the unexpected, enjoy your disappointments, revel in your misfortunes, embrace your shortcomings and most of all smile, and appreciate the little things, take advantage of every opportunity to share, assist, and encourage those less fortunate, never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever doubt yourself or your abilities.  All you need to succeed has been placed within you by your Creator and that is all you really need.

Until next time……

K

 

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