I will be back soon.
Its been one of those seasons; you know when everything seems to just roll into each other……..time, days, deadlines. Wake up Monday go to sleep and its Sunday only to fall asleep and wake up to Monday again. Its like walking down a bustling path during early morning rush hour, heads bobbing up and down; everybody heading in the same direction where for the next thirty to forty-five minutes the only thing they knowingly had in common was their mode of transportation. Self-imposed deadline and time frames; never-ending to do lists; giving forty of my best hours every week to the 9 to 5.
Sleep comes in spades or not at all; the television and the internet becomes the lullaby that rocks me to sleep; forcibly closing my eyes only to have images and thoughts running a marathon in my head. Reminding myself to remember……schedules to keep; reports to complete; presentations to prepare; meetings to attend; and still after the 9 to 5 I must wear a different cap and become mommy, sister, friend with meals to prepare, conversations to entertain, home work to oversee, and house to keep, weekend outings and movie dates with the love of my life 🙂 for whom I do all this for. At least that’s what I keep telling myself ………..when what I really need to do is slow the ‘flow’ down…………………..
I don’t need a playback or a rewind….. I just need a pause……:)
Until next time……..
Lately I have been not consumed yet I can’t find another appropriate word, but concerned about life living change and affecting change. Months now a school mate who passed away from cancer has been on my mind. It has been almost twenty years since she died. Yesterday another school mate posted a video on fb and basically dedicated it to the memory of the same school mate that passed of cancer. Coincidence….I don’t know?
The subject of my last post was “how will I be remembered”, here twenty years later our friend is being remembered, that one post caused others to comment and remember her.
This morning I am extremely grateful and to say I don’t know why would be…..*shrugs shoulders*…..I do know. Life! It brought me to tears at the mercy and grace bestowed on my life. I am concerned about not wasting it. Everybody has regrets, but living when we have life should not be one of them.
I asked myself “would I want to find out if I had cancer, would I want to know” knowing would require a response, it would require action and because my life is not my own, there are a few that need me to be around for as long as possible. So would I not owe it to them and myself to do all in my power to ensure I fight and not give up?
Why go looking for something that’s not showing any signs and symptoms? If the master wanted you to know he would make you see something right? Do you also know that he gave us intuition……stop looking for signs and use what is before you. It might not be a spectacular or miraculous display of signs. Too often we forget and ignore that still small voice…..
Until next time……
This morning someone I would consider an acquaintance called me to offer them some words of encouragement. They had just ended a very toxic relationship which although was not sudden, the pain they felt was unbearable.
Sometimes as women we put ourselves on such high moral pedestals, at times so far removed from our reality, and when we fall we consider ourselves failure, less than, and in the process deny ourselves “our right to grieve”. Once we have accepted the responsibility of our choice to enter into or stay in any situation we “should not” then turn around and cast all the blame on the other party, totally holding ourselves unaccountable or blame free. We must learn to count the cost, and accept loss as a learning experience for growth rather that a curse of failure and defeat. Its not easy, but its doable.
I have shared with this individual in the past exchanging common life experiences, and there have been moments when words they uttered during these exchanges had offered clarity or encouragement in that moment. (Sometimes talking can be therapeutic.) They thanked me because my words rang true and although hearing them was tough it was what they needed to hear. She was thanking me for my candor.
However, after I got off the phone with the individual it had me thinking “how will I be remembered?”
I was not always like this and not everyone is receptive to the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In my formative years I have rubbed some persons the wrong way, as I’m sure I’ve done even as a grown woman. So I wondered how will I be remembered, I am many things to different people, but will they be saddened or indifferent if they were told Keitha passed away? Who would attended my funeral? Who would miss me, would my name be good spoken of or will it be evil. It might all sound like vanity and I know the good book calls these things vanity. And yes I know what and whose opinion is important, but if not to effect change in someone’s life other than my own then I would feel my existence is a vain and shallow one.
I want to matter, I want to do a job so well that even after I am gone my work will speak for itself. I want to be an agent of change, for myself and for mankind. Not in a boastful and *bragadocious* manner but as one who genuinely cared about helping others.
I remember this line from a funeral I attended once “it matters not if you lie in state but in what state you lie”. What I garnered from that was its not about position/place but condition. So you hold a big political or important office/position but what condition are you in morally, spiritually, emotionally…
How will you be remembered?
Until next time…..
Do you know?
I must confess I do not always know what I want; sometimes I ask myself the question and the response most time is “nothing”. Now that’s not really true is it? Have you ever heard of “dreams deferred”; no worries its just the word ‘dreams’ with deferred at the end of it. Deep!….yes I know 🙂
Anywhoz….its like this – you have plans, hope, desires, needs and all those little big things that keep us humans always wanting and never satisfied, especially ‘us’ ladies. Some of us have a laundry list of what we are looking for or desire in a man/companion and we are so damn adamant that we will not stray, or deviate from our pristine list of “impossible qualities”.(Qualities we ourselves do not possess, and here I stress do not.) Oft we think we do because we have built up in our heads a utopian personality that is not even a third of what/how we really are!
Girls be honest you know what I’m talking about…..in your head you can distinctly remember when in highschool you could eat anything and not gain one pound; your physique allowed you to wear almost anything. Fast forward five ten years…….work, hectic lifestyle; late night drinking binges; and any food of choice. Reluctantly you admit to yourself that you have gained a pound or two, but soon faced with the truth when you try on an outfit which on the rack looked like your perfect size; get into the dressing room and the vision in your mind is at war with the vision in the mirror. Despite the fact that the outfit you are trying on confers with what the mirror is saying..you beging to argue with the designer in your head that they are cutting the sizes too small these days; you remembered when you slid on a size six (6) pair of jeans with room to spare……and now the size eight (8) refuses to pass your hips.
Just like the vision in the mirror….reality begins to bite as the months turn into years without any prospective or even remotely promising “Mr. Right”, and you struggle to understand where and why have you not found anyone with at least five (5) of the qualities on your laundry list….hmmm do we even need to go there.
What I have come to realize as I continue to live life is that nothing ever goes completely according to plan, there is always some glitch, some bump in the road on a mapped out journey. Its like the more I plan the more the route/path/outcome changes, most times the outcome is beyond my highest expectation and at others its disappointing but workable.
The key is to remain flexible because if life was fixed; if each path was already mapped out precisely on time (punto!!!) what would be the joy of living. God could have made it so we had no choice, but He gave us a unique gift “free will” to choose whatever path we desire. So why look the gift horse in the mouth and say>>>no-no that’s not what I want, it must have this, and this, and this…….!!
Always expect the unexpected, enjoy your disappointments, revel in your misfortunes, embrace your shortcomings and most of all smile, and appreciate the little things, take advantage of every opportunity to share, assist, and encourage those less fortunate, never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever doubt yourself or your abilities. All you need to succeed has been placed within you by your Creator and that is all you really need.
Until next time……
It has been a while since I last posted a blog. No I have not abandoned my expressive outlet, I have been pre-occupied with upgrading my professional qualifications. I will spare you the dreary details…but no worries .
A sincere thank you for all the encouraging emails and views…thank you all for passing by my blog……truly humbled.
Until next time…..]
I am …. or so I am told ……..different.
Different by whose definition and standards, now that’s a blog all by it self!
Lately I have been experiencing a “thing”, a metamorphosis, shedding the old snake skin, squeezing out of my cocoon type meta…in other words some pretty heavy shnitzel, in the professional arena.
I have a twitter account and I track some very inspirational people, and last week I came across two quotes/parables that touched my core and has been playing out in my life everyday since. The quotes are:
1) Purportedly by Albert Einstein: Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.
2) Purportedly by Buddha: Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others, consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.
Now because of what’s happening around me professionally I was a low hanging fruit, mentally and emotionally where these quotes were concerned. I was looking not “for” change, but to change “me”, my mind set and perception of things and others around me.
In the bible it tells us that a prophet will never find praise in his homeland. I.e. Your own family (professional or personal family) would always be the first to bring you down. So we should not be hurt or offended right?……WRONG!!!!!
Trying to teach something to someone who is already full, can be a mine field….so proceed with caution. On the job sometimes its all I can do not to scream or quit. In the first place I don’t quit something or someone unless its detrimental to my life/health or if it has been made clear that either I or my services are no longer wanted.
Having said that…I don’t like wasting time, now understand there’s a difference between chilling out/relaxing, taking a break, and then there’s laying around / procrastination when you have things left undone or a deadline to meet. On a lot of things I am very particular and I keep moving the goal post for myself, always expecting better. My daughter hates it right now, but I don’t care she will develop good work ethics and later realize when others are dishing crap and calling it “good job or great work or their best”. She will thank me when she’s older.
OK so I carry that same ethic or expectation everywhere, at home, on the job in relationships….everywhere.
Its harder on the job because these are grown folks although far from fifty years in age, they are set in their ways! Top it all off my mind set and work ethics are not like theirs and it gets under their skin, I would not go as far as to say they “hate” me, but if I was on fire and they had water, they would drink it!.
They have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me and each time I dig my heels in and argued my case, not with emotions or fear, but aided by the law, facts and my work record, they soon realized they had no sound footing to execute whatever plans they hatched. Not to be a walking bible quote-freak (it is after all a guide for living) but it says that the stone which the builder refused shall become the head corner stone.
I have now been put in a position where I am required by law to train the ones that for lack of a better term are not my “biggest fans”. More and more their short comings and errors are beaming and I have to find a way to bring correction with out being judgmental. What has been happening though is the more I’m focused on their errors and mistakes, the more I am seeing mine, and every time those two quotes strikes a cord and whips me in line.
In order to lead we must first learn to serve…….I am a work in progress, what about you?
Until next time…..