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How will I be remembered?

This morning someone I would consider an acquaintance called me to offer them some words of encouragement. They had just ended a very toxic relationship which although was not sudden, the pain they felt was unbearable.

Sometimes as women we put ourselves on such high moral pedestals, at times so far removed from our reality, and when we fall we consider ourselves failure, less than, and in the process deny ourselves “our right to grieve”. Once we have accepted the responsibility of our choice to enter into or stay in any situation we “should not” then turn around and cast all the blame on the other party, totally holding ourselves unaccountable or blame free. We must learn to count the cost, and accept loss as a learning experience for growth rather that a curse of failure and defeat. Its not easy, but its doable.

I have shared with this individual in the past exchanging common life experiences, and there have been moments when words they uttered during these exchanges had offered clarity or encouragement in that moment. (Sometimes talking can be therapeutic.) They thanked me because my words rang true and although hearing them was tough it was what they needed to hear. She was thanking me for my candor.

However, after I got off the phone with the individual it had me thinking “how will I be remembered?”

I was not always like this and not everyone is receptive to the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In my formative years I have rubbed some persons the wrong way, as I’m sure I’ve done even as a grown woman. So I wondered how will I be remembered, I am many things to different people, but will they be saddened or indifferent if they were told Keitha passed away? Who would attended my funeral? Who would miss me, would my name be good spoken of or will it be evil. It might all sound like vanity and I know the good book calls these things vanity. And yes I know what and whose opinion is important, but if not to effect change in someone’s life other than my own then I would feel my existence is a vain and shallow one.

I want to matter, I want to do a job so well that even after I am gone my work will speak for itself. I want to be an agent of change, for myself and for mankind. Not in a boastful and *bragadocious* manner but as one who genuinely cared about helping others.

I remember this line from a funeral I attended once “it matters not if you lie in state but in what state you lie”. What I garnered from that was its not about position/place but condition. So you hold a big political or important office/position but what condition are you in morally, spiritually, emotionally…

How will you be remembered?

Until next time…..

K

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Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings, Random

 

I used to love him…..

I can hear it now….the Mis-education record playing in the background and the melodic vocals of Ms Hill strumming the very fabric of my emotions as she sung “I used to love him, but now I don’t”. The first half rung true “I used to love him…..”, really love him. I fell!

Sex was…..lost for words….

When I was with him I learned so much about myself, about my sexuality; what I like and didn’t like, how I liked it…… It was a very liberating season in my life.

We spent over three years together; had so many arguments; several episodes of mistrust; but nights and days of passion. Our fights/arguments were as passionate as our sexual escapades.

Then D day came. I knew after that day nothing would ever be the same. He was leaving; not me or us but he was leaving the island. We spent the night before arguing of course and packing. Its amazing how different a situation looks in the morning. Reality bites harder in the daylight than it does at night or even in the dark.

In the morning I was inconsolable, even through the kisses, the caress and the love making I cried. When it was time to really say goodbye I could not bring myself to move away from the car, and his words of reassurance lacked the conviction required to convince my heart that the thoughts in my head were a fallacy.

Long distance is just that “a long distance”. So eventually I called it quits. I was angry, almost bitter but with time I was able to let go of most of it. I said most because the more time that passed the more lucid my thoughts became. I truly began to see where and how I had compromised. I don’t hate him, I am not angry with him but I was disappointed.

Its been almost three years since I have spoken to or seen him. So imagine my surprise of being awaken this weekend to be told, I had a visitor. Curiosity got me out of bed but unresolved feelings and emotions caused me to shut my door after recognizing it was “him”.

Lately I have felt like I don’t have the time for a full time man, I have a full time job, but I’m a warm blood woman with God given needs. Seeing him before me on Saturday left me with flashbacks, wandering thoughts and vaguely familiar feelings of satisfaction with climax after climax after climax.

All day I had to admit to myself that “I used to love him….and still do ūüė¶ ”

Until next time

K

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

Innocence isn’t so innocent anymore….

Parents please take note!!!!!!!

As a little girl coming up to teen years¬†I remember the fad that developed with plastic¬†bracelets, mainly one colour “black”.¬† Back then we referred to them as “power bands” or “black power”.¬† Gradually different colour bands/bracelets were introduced.¬† When we wore them back in the 80’s it was simply a fashion trend, at least that’s what I knew; if they held any other meaning, in my innocence, I was oblivious to it.

Now¬†I look forward to every second of my lil¬†ones growth and development; I look forward to introducing her to the little things which brought me joy, but allowing her to express her personality at the same time.¬† One of those things were “plastic coloured power bands¬†(not the funny shaped “so-called¬†friendship bands”), which I came across the other day in all colour shade and tone imaginable.¬† I was tickled pink; so excited I wanted to get a set for myself as well when that lil¬†voice in my head said “girl there’s no fool like an old fool – act your age” ūüôā ūüôā ūüôā .¬† Anywho’s…..I purchased a set for her both the solid and translucent colours, along with the matching rings.¬† When I gave them to her I was even more pleased to see her response to them was just as enthusiastic¬†as mine (*angels playing harps descending from the sky with a background choir¬†simply saying ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!; cheesy grin on my face doing the happy dance..she thinks her mom is cool / would whoop her ass but cool).¬† When the school term began we realized there was some allowances for the students to wear these bands,¬†since to a large extent some colours are in support of raising awareness to certain medical ailments such as cancer etc.¬† When she asked me if she could wear hers I agreed, but only two at any one time.

So imagine my surprise when the lil¬†one and I were having our daily debriefing¬†bonding session¬†(that’s when we share with each other the events that transpired through out our day), she said to me:

Lil One: hey mom did you know that these bands have meanings,

Me: what kind of meaning

Lil One: I don’t know exactly; I hear people at school talking about the colours mean different things.

*silence…….blank stares…..thoughts firing off in my head*

Me: Ok babe let me check it out.

With the help of google I started to search…….my mouth dropped as I came upon a very specific website listing what all the colours meant.¬† Immediately I confiscated them from her and after I made her read the meanings she was more than happy to give them back.¬† Taking nothing for granted we agreed she would wear them only when we went out together and no more to school.¬† Prevention is better than cure is what I grew up hearing and I firmly believe in it.¬† We do not want an innocent act to attract any unwarranted solicitation.

Following is the context as written on the website:

QUOTE…..

Meaning of Colored Jelly Bracelets

HomeDisability  Sexuality

By Jane Myers– 2009-04-07

Jelly Bracelets with different color meanings have been used in many¬† health and fitness campaigns to fight cancer and other diseases. However today’s¬† youth have devised a new sexual meaning for the wearing of the bracelets and¬† they are a trend in some schools.

Jelly bracelets are thin rubbery bands which can be worn one at a time or  interconnected together on the wrists, ankles, or around the neck. They are  available in an array of colors.

Jelly Bracelets with different color meanings have been used in many health and fitness campaigns to fight cancer and other diseases. However today’s youth have devised a new sexual meaning for the wearing of the bracelets and they are a trend in some schools.

The wearing of jelly bracelets started when Lance Armstrong, an athlete¬† overcame cancer and defied the odds. As a way of helping to fund cancer research¬† he helped to design and sell a simple bracelet that was yellow and had the¬† words, “Live Strong” on them. The colored bracelets caught on and Lance raised¬† millions of dollars in cancer research money. Other health foundations around¬† the world have set up similar funds as well.

Today jelly bracelets, or sex bracelets, are currently popular among high¬† school students. It is said the bracelets are color-coded according to the¬† wearer’s willingness to perform certain sexual acts. Kids in many high schools¬† refer to them as “sex bracelets” and the different colors can denote the wearers¬† sexual preference(s), or be used in games.

In a sexual game called snap, a boy or girl snaps or breaks a bracelet off  the wearers wrist. The rules of snap can require players to do all manner of  things from kissing to actual intercourse, depending upon the color of the  bracelet.

Colored Jelly Bracelets Meanings

Black – the wearer will have regular “missionary” sex
Blue Рindicates  oral sex performed on a guy
Clear Рindicates a willingness to do anything  the snapper wants
Green – indicates that oral sex can be performed on a girl
Glittery Blue – is willing to perform anal sex
Glittery Clear – wearer¬† will let the snappee “feel up” or touch any body part
Glittery Green – the¬† wearer is willing to “69”
Glittery Pink – willing to “flash” a body¬† part
Glittery Purple – willing to French kiss
Glittery Yellow Рindicates  kissing and hugging is acceptable
Yellow – wearer is willing to hug
Pink –¬† wearer is willing to give a hickey
Orange Рwearer is willing to  kiss
Purple – wearer is willing to kiss a partner of either sex
Red –¬† wearer is willing to perform a lap dance
White Рwearer will flash what they  have.

Sex bracelets are a silly teen fad with a dangerous sexual twist. The bright¬†colored bracelets are popular with teens, but they’re creating controversy and¬† many children, and even adults, wear these decorative bracelets without any¬† sexual connotation or meaning whatsoever.

Do not let students who have made up sexual meanings deter you from buying a  jelly bracelet if you know the money is going to medical research or a good  cause.

UNQUOTE……

 

Until next time……..

K

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

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What do you really “want” ?

Do you know?

I must confess I do not always know what I want; sometimes I ask myself the question and the response most time is “nothing”.¬† Now that’s not really true is it?¬† Have you ever heard of “dreams deferred”; no worries its just the word ‘dreams’ with deferred at the end of it.¬† Deep!….yes I know ūüôā

Anywhoz….its like this – you have plans, hope, desires, needs and all those little big things that keep us humans always wanting and never satisfied, especially ‘us’ ladies.¬† Some of us have a laundry list of what we are looking for or desire in a man/companion and we are so damn adamant that we will not stray, or deviate from our pristine list of “impossible qualities”.(Qualities we ourselves do not possess, and here I stress¬†do not.)¬† Oft we think we do because we have built up in our heads a utopian personality that is not even a third of what/how ¬†we really are!

Girls be honest you know what I’m¬†talking about…..in your head you can distinctly remember when in highschool you could eat anything and not gain¬†one pound; your physique allowed you to wear almost anything.¬† Fast forward¬†five ten years…….work, hectic¬†lifestyle; late night drinking binges; and any food of choice.¬† Reluctantly you admit to yourself that you have gained a pound or two, but soon faced with the truth when you try on an outfit which on the rack looked like your perfect size; get into the dressing room and the vision in your mind is at war with the vision in the mirror.¬† Despite the fact that the outfit you are trying on confers with what the mirror is saying..you beging to argue with the designer in your head that they are cutting the sizes too small these days; you remembered when you slid on a size six (6) pair of jeans with room to spare……and now the size eight (8) refuses to pass your hips.

Just like the vision in the mirror….reality begins to bite as the months turn into years without any prospective or even remotely promising “Mr. Right”, and you struggle to understand where and why have you not found anyone with at least five (5) of the qualities on your laundry list….hmmm do we even need to go there.

What I have come to realize as I continue to live life is that nothing ever goes completely according to plan, there is always some glitch, some bump in the road on a mapped out journey.  Its like the more I plan the more the route/path/outcome changes, most times the outcome is beyond my highest expectation and at others its disappointing but workable.

The key is to remain flexible¬†because if life was fixed; if each path was already mapped out precisely on time (punto!!!) what would be the joy of living.¬† God could have made it so we had no choice, but He gave us a unique gift “free will” to choose whatever path we desire.¬† So why look the gift horse in the mouth and say>>>no-no¬†that’s not what I want, it must have this, and this, and this…….!!

Always expect the unexpected, enjoy your disappointments, revel in your misfortunes, embrace your shortcomings and most of all smile, and appreciate the little things, take advantage of every opportunity to share, assist, and encourage those less fortunate, never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever doubt yourself or your abilities.  All you need to succeed has been placed within you by your Creator and that is all you really need.

Until next time……

K

 

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Im still here…

It has been a while since I last posted a blog.¬† No I have not abandoned my expressive outlet, I have been pre-occupied with upgrading my professional qualifications.¬† I will spare you the dreary details…but no worries .

A sincere thank you for all the encouraging emails and views…thank you all for passing by my blog……truly humbled.

 

Until next time…..]

 

K

 
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Posted by on August 21, 2011 in Random

 

Take the “plank” out of your eyes first…..!

I am …. or so I am told ……..different.
Different by whose definition and standards, now that’s a blog all by it self!

Lately I have been experiencing a “thing”, a metamorphosis, shedding the old snake skin, squeezing out of my cocoon type meta…in other words some pretty heavy shnitzel, in the professional arena.

I have a twitter account and I track some very inspirational people, and last week I came across two quotes/parables that touched my core and has been playing out in my life everyday since. The quotes are:
1) Purportedly by Albert Einstein: Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.
2) Purportedly by Buddha: Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others, consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.

Now because of what’s happening around me professionally I was a low hanging fruit, mentally and emotionally where these quotes were concerned. I was looking not “for” change, but to change “me”, my mind set and perception of things and others around me.

In the bible it tells us that a prophet will never find praise in his homeland. I.e. Your own family (professional or personal family) would always be the first to bring you down. So we should not be hurt or offended right?……WRONG!!!!!

Trying to teach something to someone who is already full, can be a mine field….so proceed with caution. On the job sometimes its all I can do not to scream or quit. In the first place I don’t quit something or someone unless its detrimental to my life/health or if it has been made clear that either I or my services are no longer wanted.

Having said that…I don’t like wasting time, now understand there’s a difference between chilling out/relaxing, taking a break, and then there’s laying around / procrastination when you have things left undone or a deadline to meet. On a lot of things I am very particular and I keep moving the goal post for myself, always expecting better. My daughter hates it right now, but I don’t care she will develop good work ethics and later realize when others are dishing crap and calling it “good job or great work or their best”. She will thank me when she’s older.

OK so I carry that same ethic or expectation everywhere, at home, on the job in relationships….everywhere.

Its harder on the job because these are grown folks although far from fifty years in age, they are set in their ways! Top it all off my mind set and work ethics are not like theirs and it gets under their skin, I would not go as far as to say they “hate” me, but if I was on fire and they had water, they would drink it!.

They have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me and each time I dig my heels in and argued my case, not with emotions or fear, but aided by the law, facts and my work record, they soon realized they had no sound footing to execute whatever plans they hatched. Not to be a walking bible quote-freak (it is after all a guide for living) but it says that the stone which the builder refused shall become the head corner stone.

I have now been put in a position where I am required by law to train the ones that for lack of a better term are not my “biggest fans”. More and more their short comings and errors are beaming and I have to find a way to bring correction with out being judgmental. What has been happening though is the more I’m focused on their errors and mistakes, the more I am seeing mine, and every time those two quotes strikes a cord and whips me in line.

In order to lead we must first learn to serve…….I am a work in progress, what about you?

Until next time…..

K

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2011 in Random

 

Intuitive intuition….

My daughter is my main source of inspiration as she embodies the blessings of God bestowed unto me.¬† I was living, but I came alive the moment she was conceived.¬† God gave me a reason not to attempt to take my own life again……It screams of purpose!!!

Having said that….I registered her for a¬†tennis camp to keep her summer days occupied and harness/channel some of that physical and mental energy she exude……also that I would not hear the words “mommy I am bored” ūüôā .. …yeah!¬†¬† Now camp is only for a couple of hours, and¬†although I am one of those parents that’s¬†not crazy about minors having cell phones……but being the involved, hands-on, over bearing (I don’t¬†care), over protected (if there is such a thing in this day and age), always wanting a blow-by-blow¬†run down on where, who and what is taking place with my child type of mother……I gave her a low-end¬†cell phone – it gives a sense of contact……..and bet your bottom dollar that if class starts at 8,¬†and I am not the one who¬†dropped off¬†the minute she is out of my sight¬†I am dialing that number every five-minute on the minute until class actually begins, and¬†when class lets out, every minute on the minute until she’s in the security of our home.¬† I take nothing for granted.

Today was just like any other day I called her as class was out and immediately I knew all was not well, I heard it in her voice.  Being me I wanted to talk about it right away so

I asked: What’s wrong?

Lil one: nothing

Me: whats wrong

Lil one: nothing mommy (nervous laughter trying to convince me….failed terribly)

I must have asked her the same question about ten times – no lie –¬†and each time she gave the same response…so recognizing it was futile at the moment I put it on pause and asked about her game and said ok……love you babe¬†talk later

Lil one: love you too!

In less that twenty minutes of that convo she was home and my phone rang……convinced now that something was truly bothering her…….got home…. I wind down a bit; took a nap and later we went for a walk.¬† We talked about everything except what bothered her earlier today.¬† Because of how in tuned¬†I am to this child I knew exactly what the problem was since the very first phone call…..as we approached¬†the house I asked my question……got the answer….along with:

Lil one:…..but mommy I could not tell you all of¬†that with everybody there in front of me……how did you know it was something like that?

Me:…you are MY child and I know you, I know you.

Lil one:….(all smiles) mommy thank you so much for the talk.

Sometimes all they need is an ear…..tempted as we might be to lay out steps of how to handle or deal with¬† the situation…there are just some things that THEY must work out, and through on their¬†own in order¬†to develop not only coping skills, but recognize and learn of the caliber of individual they are and have the potential to be.¬† At times our meddling serve only to stunt their growth emotionally and they never develop proper¬†coping mechanisms.

As we go along in life we have to always be cognizant that we are not alone and that not everyone was raised or brought up with the same value or belief system, and even if or when they are….we are all…..pay attention…….INDIVIDUALS.

INDIVIDUAL¬† – separate, distinct, different, set apart…..a single person

Imagine what our society or surrounding would be like if every individual was in tune¬†not only with their¬†individual agenda, but incorporated with consideration for others around them and the survival of humanity. We are all vessels filled with hopes, dreams, potential and promise….not for our own selfish gratification but to contribute to the up-lift-ment and continuity of human existence.

Last week I went into a store and a well-known¬†radio personality made the following statement in essence “ebry¬†bady¬†wan fe do dem own ting and nutin¬†wrong wid that but dem ha fu realize that sum¬†things jus hab fe be in place….dem in place lang befor¬†man cum een..ah jus so e be…certain principles jus hab fe dey…dune set out lang time…ah wa me seer ya tall…me jus nah andastand¬†sum¬†neeh-ga¬†tall….you can imagine if ebry¬†bady¬†wudda¬†be in charge…..eh”

My dear dear readers my admonition to you is this:

Find your constant…find what it is that you excel at; it might not be one thing it could be several things….i.e. many gifts….you might not even like it or feel a passion for it, but you are good at it, better than your counterparts. Executing it comes effortlessly for you while another would struggle and still not produce, half¬†the results you would.¬† The problem is that we have allowed our appetites¬†to over take our reasoning…we have become discontented, never satisfied, short attention spans always searching for and chasing the next big thing that has absolutely nothing to do with our gifts, all the while neglecting the one thing we do well.¬† Many times it’s all as a result of green eyes and envy…..we see our counterpart excelling at something, we see the responses and accolades afforded them…..and we think I can do that too….and we abandon our talents.

Lets get back in tune……in tune and at peace with ourselves first,¬†with nature second, and¬†humans co-existence with nature and each other.¬† Find your¬†“one thing” or even if its many gifts remember every thing has its season so when you are in tune you will know which gift, when, where and who needs it!¬† If we are not in tune we often burn out or over extend and become useless or lessen the impact or effect the gift was meant to have.

Remember not to cast your pearls before swines…they will only trample on them…..

Come on …intuitive intuition……..

Until next time

K

 
 

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