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Looking back to what was….

Recently I posted the question “is looking back worthwhile if it causes you pain?”. A friend gave a resounding “yes!”.

They say in order to know where you are going you must first understand where you’re from, in essence your past. I wonder how many of the “they-sayers” enjoyed looking back at their past….hmmm 🙂 .

When I look at my past what do I see…..? “I see……a little girl in need of love, who was loved but somehow lost the ability to feel that love or even recognize what “love” even looked like. I see a preteen in desperate need for maternal reassurance, and adolescent acceptance by her peers. I remember a teen so scared of intimacy her first kiss was at sixteen and almost twenty when she gave it all up. Not because she wanted to but because she felt she had to, it was expected. I see a girl who was not one of the girls, but one of the boys. Looked good but not into her looks, bombarded with bouts of insecurity and suicidal thoughts silently screaming for help! I see a girl hated by her female peers because she fitted in with the one group where she felt she could be herself – “the boys”

Looking back of all the things I had done if I could take back one thing, it would be that night. It scared me deeper than I ever admitted to myself or anyone. That night for me was the equivalent of rape. Earlier this year I sat down with Mr. X and we spoke or rather I spoke……about that night, he was in total shock to hear what that night had done to me, mentally, emotionally. It was an “ah ha” moment, light bulbs came on as he was finally able to understand why I behaved/acted the way I did all these years and openly admitted he could have handled it better…..hmmm “if wishes were horses…..”

That one night affected every relationship/sexual encounter thereafter, until I grabbed a hold of myself, my sanity.

I thank God everyday for my child….I tell her constantly she was the best accident I ever had and I am so grateful for the moment of clarity and strength to turn around and walk away from the doctors office the day we drove to abort her (Oh she knows). Oh sooooo freaking grateful…..you have no idea. This child is my joy my sanity, my balance, my conscience, I see God in her everyday. When I look at her I see the goodness of God. Oh there have been struggles, but this child…..words can’t express. She is my reason!

Few years ago a friend gave me a movie to watch called “Sankofa” it was not the best cinematography, but the message was clear. After viewing it I researched the word “Sankofa” and found it derived from the Akan people of West Africa. Sankofa expressed in the Akan language as “se wo were fi na wosan kofa a yenki”, literally means ” its not taboo to go back and fetch what you forgot”

Sankofa teaches that we must go back to our roots (or root of the problem) in order to move forward. We should reach back and gather the best of what our past has to teach us, so we can achieve our full potential as we move forward. Whatever we have lost, forgotten, forgone, or been stripped of can be reclaimed, revived, preserved and perpetuated.

Mothers teach your daughters what love looks and feels like, fathers teach your sons how to treat a female, she might not be a lady in your book, but she’s all that in Gods eyes.

Echoing my friends response of a resounding “Yes” looking back is worthwhile even if it causes pain, for without pain there can be no healing. You cannot heal what you do not admit or recognize is broken. Allow yourself to feel the pain….its proof that you are alive and your body is working…..heal yourself!

Until next time…..

K

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Posted by on November 9, 2011 in Daily Post, Experience/Feelings

 

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