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Have you ever….?

We casually throw around many words such as love, friends, friendship, forgiveness etc without out second thought….

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt suffocated or that either you or the relationship itself had plateau; where it could offer nothing more, no growth no advancement…. so you make the undeniable confident decision to end it, be done with the relationship. At the moment of your revelation your emotions were stable (you think) your stance was confident you felt assured that it was the best thing for YOU. Your intention was not to be mean to the other person or take for granted what you had been through together or what you had shared, because after all a relationship is an investment; but you had to think of and for YOU.

So you sat them down had your talk laid out all the pros and cons as you rehearsed it in your head. Delivery was on point everything you said made sense, and the facts were undeniable, to the extent that although they were not in total agreement with you, they understood where you were coming from. They pleaded with you for another chance, be it that this would have been the third or fourth without any change hence confident in your resolve, that this was the right thing to do, so blind with confidence and determination you said “no”. “I am sure this is the best thing for us”, you said, “I care about you but this is not working anymore, us; you; me; man and woman, I am just not feeling the same, its almost like we are going through the motions of a relationship, round and round the mulberry bush only to end up where we began and get stuck again”.

Ok ok… so maybe you did not say it quite like that but you get the picture.

Reluctantly they say alright if you are sure this is what you want I won’t force you. Then as if to salvage some ego and scrape their *macho-ism* off the floor they spat out, “make certain that this is what you want because I don’t walk backwards”. And for a hair of a second you began to doubt your decision and an instant replay goes off in your minds eye and you recall all the fights, the arguments and innuendos; the belittling, and the near cheats and constant denials, and swoop just like that both the thought, and self doubt that overshadowed you seconds earlier vanished as quickly as it had come. Now bolstered with even more confidence you snapped back “Oh I am sure!”

The next day you woke up with a pip in your step and a perk in you spirit. For the first time in a long time you felt free, truly free, no more pretending, no more going through the motion, no more having sex as a chore rather than a pleasure. Now you were free. Your friends noticed the difference, you family sensed the change, you were smiling again. You can respond to the flirtatious “hey gorgeous what’s sup” from that guy you’ve been noticing on the street every time you go out for lunch, without looking over your shoulder because you had a man. Life was good!

Hours turned into days; days turned into nights and weeks and the confident air that filled you up on your path to *single-dom* began to slowly leak out, and you asked your self why? Sporadic bouts and pangs of loneliness and depression crept in and you pushed them back down, because hey you were single and free to mingle, the world was your stage and you had a part to play. Yet try as you might the air continued to leak out, your ego became sensitive; easily bruised where the simplest of things began to affect you. To make matters worst no body was hitting on you. Didn’t they know that you were single now? Then your phone rang and it’s “him” but instead of answering you turned up your eyes and ignored the call; let it go to voice mail you said to yourself, just like all the other calls and text messages he’s been sending your way since you called it quits. Suddenly you felt the air returning because after all, although there were no new fish on the line at least “he” was still trying to nibble the bait.

Those weeks turned into months and his annoying text messages and phone calls had all but ceased and you thought “finally” the fool got the message. At lunch you shared the recent snit bits with your girl who has been your friend since you first hooked up in high school. As you both poured over the friendly girl gossip, in “he” walked. It was an accidental glance that caused you to spot him from the side. Your friend had not seen him yet so you stole a full eye view and thought to yourself “he” doesn’t look half bad and for a fraction of a second you remembered why you liked him before, and what it was about him that made you fall in love with him in the first place….hold up!! Wait a minute… someone J-walked your view, they walked right across your day dream, slipped their hand in his kissed him on the cheek and as you read her lips she mouthed the words “hi babes hope you weren’t waiting long”.

That night at home in the place you both shared; you began to reminisce and without effort you remembered the nights he took you right where you stood; you remembered his hunger for you and yours for him; you could smell his scent in your nostrils as if he was right there in the room with you; your skin was hot with the sensations you felt because you vividly remembered that he knew your spots, he had explored your body; found each one and committed them to memory. He knew the slightest touch to the small of your back would have set you ablaze. As you stood there remembering; your knees felt weak because you recalled the number of time you came that night. All energy had left you, so he had lifted your limp body and carried you into the bedroom; laid you on the bed and continued where he left off………

Brrrrr shaking your head you told your self snap out of it girl remember the other stuff, remember the real reason you broke it off with him…..

Unconvinced you had made the right choice for the right reasons you walked to the kitchen grabbed a goblet and a bottle of wine, headed to the bedroom took off your work clothes and slipped on a robe, drew a hot bath laced it with scented portions and baby oil, poured yourself a glass of wine, took a sip, dropped your robe to the floor and stepped in your reality….

Have you ever?

Until Next Time…..

K

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Posted by on May 16, 2011 in Experience/Feelings

 

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