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Intuitive intuition….

My daughter is my main source of inspiration as she embodies the blessings of God bestowed unto me.  I was living, but I came alive the moment she was conceived.  God gave me a reason not to attempt to take my own life again……It screams of purpose!!!

Having said that….I registered her for a tennis camp to keep her summer days occupied and harness/channel some of that physical and mental energy she exude……also that I would not hear the words “mommy I am bored” 🙂 .. …yeah!   Now camp is only for a couple of hours, and although I am one of those parents that’s not crazy about minors having cell phones……but being the involved, hands-on, over bearing (I don’t care), over protected (if there is such a thing in this day and age), always wanting a blow-by-blow run down on where, who and what is taking place with my child type of mother……I gave her a low-end cell phone – it gives a sense of contact……..and bet your bottom dollar that if class starts at 8, and I am not the one who dropped off the minute she is out of my sight I am dialing that number every five-minute on the minute until class actually begins, and when class lets out, every minute on the minute until she’s in the security of our home.  I take nothing for granted.

Today was just like any other day I called her as class was out and immediately I knew all was not well, I heard it in her voice.  Being me I wanted to talk about it right away so

I asked: What’s wrong?

Lil one: nothing

Me: whats wrong

Lil one: nothing mommy (nervous laughter trying to convince me….failed terribly)

I must have asked her the same question about ten times – no lie – and each time she gave the same response…so recognizing it was futile at the moment I put it on pause and asked about her game and said ok……love you babe talk later

Lil one: love you too!

In less that twenty minutes of that convo she was home and my phone rang……convinced now that something was truly bothering her…….got home…. I wind down a bit; took a nap and later we went for a walk.  We talked about everything except what bothered her earlier today.  Because of how in tuned I am to this child I knew exactly what the problem was since the very first phone call…..as we approached the house I asked my question……got the answer….along with:

Lil one:…..but mommy I could not tell you all of that with everybody there in front of me……how did you know it was something like that?

Me:…you are MY child and I know you, I know you.

Lil one:….(all smiles) mommy thank you so much for the talk.

Sometimes all they need is an ear…..tempted as we might be to lay out steps of how to handle or deal with  the situation…there are just some things that THEY must work out, and through on their own in order to develop not only coping skills, but recognize and learn of the caliber of individual they are and have the potential to be.  At times our meddling serve only to stunt their growth emotionally and they never develop proper coping mechanisms.

As we go along in life we have to always be cognizant that we are not alone and that not everyone was raised or brought up with the same value or belief system, and even if or when they are….we are all…..pay attention…….INDIVIDUALS.

INDIVIDUAL  – separate, distinct, different, set apart…..a single person

Imagine what our society or surrounding would be like if every individual was in tune not only with their individual agenda, but incorporated with consideration for others around them and the survival of humanity. We are all vessels filled with hopes, dreams, potential and promise….not for our own selfish gratification but to contribute to the up-lift-ment and continuity of human existence.

Last week I went into a store and a well-known radio personality made the following statement in essence “ebry bady wan fe do dem own ting and nutin wrong wid that but dem ha fu realize that sum things jus hab fe be in place….dem in place lang befor man cum een..ah jus so e be…certain principles jus hab fe dey…dune set out lang time…ah wa me seer ya tall…me jus nah andastand sum neeh-ga tall….you can imagine if ebry bady wudda be in charge…..eh”

My dear dear readers my admonition to you is this:

Find your constant…find what it is that you excel at; it might not be one thing it could be several things….i.e. many gifts….you might not even like it or feel a passion for it, but you are good at it, better than your counterparts. Executing it comes effortlessly for you while another would struggle and still not produce, half the results you would.  The problem is that we have allowed our appetites to over take our reasoning…we have become discontented, never satisfied, short attention spans always searching for and chasing the next big thing that has absolutely nothing to do with our gifts, all the while neglecting the one thing we do well.  Many times it’s all as a result of green eyes and envy…..we see our counterpart excelling at something, we see the responses and accolades afforded them…..and we think I can do that too….and we abandon our talents.

Lets get back in tune……in tune and at peace with ourselves first, with nature second, and humans co-existence with nature and each other.  Find your “one thing” or even if its many gifts remember every thing has its season so when you are in tune you will know which gift, when, where and who needs it!  If we are not in tune we often burn out or over extend and become useless or lessen the impact or effect the gift was meant to have.

Remember not to cast your pearls before swines…they will only trample on them…..

Come on …intuitive intuition……..

Until next time

K

 
 

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It’s my body and I need “xes” now….

If you watch television by now you must have come across the commercial of J.G. W…….  They have shown it from several angle the latest of which is an opera style rendition, but the hook of the commercial is constant.  Love it or hate it the jingle is catchy and its repetitive structure causes involuntary memorization….”Its my money and I want it now…”  Well the other morning I woke up a little tooooooo early feeling a feeling I am all to familiar with and in my mind’s mind I heard that jingle….well… the tune of the jingle ….the words however, went a little like this….”It’s my body and I need “xes” now…..and believe it or not the J.G W….was also part of MY jingle…LMAO  go figure.

Now let me warn you ….if you are religious, squirming or live in the town of “Lord help me Jesus I need a cold shower” and the word “ynroh” is not in your vocabulary, then this post is not for you!   If you hide your God-given sexuality under  a proverbial rock and plead the blood, or rebuke the devil every time the urge for “xes” comes knocking then I advise that you….stop reading, click either the back button or close this window, and go back to the last thing you were doing before you came across my blog, because it’s about to get real “ciffarg” …after all the name of my blog is “Life As I Live It” and I’m keeping it “lear”.  I was late for all the coming out parties that marked a girl’s passage to womanhood 🙂 …….I was almost fifteen before I had my first “bloody mary” , at sixteen “my lips” were covered for the very first time, and I’m not talking about lip gloss either *wink, wink* 😉 , “the girls” were still in a vest and trainers all the way through third form, yeah that’s right 3rd form, and I was almost nineteen when I first “climbed a mountain” .  Now I am all grown up and a single mom with a very perceptive child who is not afraid to show her disapproval or voice her opinions….here’s an example…I can’t even walk around in my own room on a hot day in my undies without this child saying “mommy you know you don’t have on any clothes “….(it’s not a do as I say not as I do generation they will pull your card).  Ok so imagine me dating around her……aint happening. Dating with a child is not the easiest thing to do it’s too much work, plus I don’t think I am the marrying type.  Now its been a while, a verrrrry looooong while since I have “scratched the itch, put out the fire down under, fiddle the diddle, had the wick wet….or what ever”.

I am not practicing celibacy, or promiscuity, but am I not a wall flower…..at least not anymore *hands behind back, head bowed while doing a nervous foot shuffle*.  The urge is always there, but every honest woman knows that there are certain times each month when that urge becomes a beast with a mind of its own.  An overpowering desire that no mind bending exercise, hallelujah or praise the Lord, blood of Jesus or cold showers can quell…ladies you know what I am talking about. Oh its real…like an animal in heat it’s so real, and like a werewolf with a conscience who locks himself away when the moon is full to avoid the bloody carnage and the morning after guilt, so too I lock myself away during my proverbial full moons.  During these times I usually take lots of cold showers, stay off of eye candy or  try to read a book or two.  It’s not always successfully and I would often resort to going to bed real early and avoid watching tele all to fight the urge to masturbate.  Unlike most women I hate masturbating and I don’t do machines.  God wired me for the real deal….mastubating can only do so much, plus I hear carpal tunnel is a bitch, (if you didn’t get it you missed it LOL).  I relish the feeling of that warm firm muscular shaft tunnelling its way thru the gold mine, on its quest for my special blend of maple brown suga sugar,  the feel of manly hands palming the curve of my ass; the contours of my hips, into the valley of my waistline making its way up and over the mound of my breast and gently squeezing the peak between his fingers, and tasting victory with his tongue before covering it with his full mouth…..rendering me helpless and submissive…….

Now I am not verbally “lauxes”……my actions do the talking…LAMO!    In the begining….the early days I was so naive and intimidated all I did was just “play dead” … I think the word was missionary……LOL.  Now I am older and wiser 🙂 ; I know what I want, and how I want it; I know my body and what it responds to; knowledge is power and power feeds confidence.  I am finally confident in my own body and skin.  When I tell folks that I was so insecure growing up, they look at me in disbelief and comment…girl you were hot!…..funny how looks can be deceptive…if I looked hot I did not dwell on it because inside I struggled with so much.  It was even harder in highschool because I was late for everything.  I hung out with all the boys and was one of the guys because I felt inadequate to fit in with all the other girls.  I often wondered what its like to just have “xes” with anybody just for the hell of it, or what its like to be a “xes” addict or a nymph or to have as termed locally “white liver” ….I can’t just sleep with someone because I am “ynroh” or need to break of a little sum’tin sum’tin. I am old fashion like that, we have to connect on a mental level ……of course physical attraction is a MUST.

I love having “xes” like any living warm-blooded woman but I am a romantic at heart; turned on by the simplest gestures and encounters. Long leisurely strolls, picnic in the park, lying on the grass at night and star-gazing, playing a good board game of boggle, scrabble, taboo pictionary and the likes.  Afternoon lunch dates, dinner and a movie…..gestures from the heart.

Just talking about it makes me remember and miss the dance of courting..you know…the getting to know you before I take you phase….the energy and “lauxes” tension…the sparks that goes off just at the thought of a first “ssik” and the firestorm that’s ignited when you actually do; oh and the explosive energy released when the rocket has been launched.

 Perhaps its time for me to take down the sign and get back in the game.  Hey batter, batter, batter, batter, hey batter, batter…….LMAO

…………..

Until next time….

K

 
 

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Have you ever….?

We casually throw around many words such as love, friends, friendship, forgiveness etc without out second thought….

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt suffocated or that either you or the relationship itself had plateau; where it could offer nothing more, no growth no advancement…. so you make the undeniable confident decision to end it, be done with the relationship. At the moment of your revelation your emotions were stable (you think) your stance was confident you felt assured that it was the best thing for YOU. Your intention was not to be mean to the other person or take for granted what you had been through together or what you had shared, because after all a relationship is an investment; but you had to think of and for YOU.

So you sat them down had your talk laid out all the pros and cons as you rehearsed it in your head. Delivery was on point everything you said made sense, and the facts were undeniable, to the extent that although they were not in total agreement with you, they understood where you were coming from. They pleaded with you for another chance, be it that this would have been the third or fourth without any change hence confident in your resolve, that this was the right thing to do, so blind with confidence and determination you said “no”. “I am sure this is the best thing for us”, you said, “I care about you but this is not working anymore, us; you; me; man and woman, I am just not feeling the same, its almost like we are going through the motions of a relationship, round and round the mulberry bush only to end up where we began and get stuck again”.

Ok ok… so maybe you did not say it quite like that but you get the picture.

Reluctantly they say alright if you are sure this is what you want I won’t force you. Then as if to salvage some ego and scrape their *macho-ism* off the floor they spat out, “make certain that this is what you want because I don’t walk backwards”. And for a hair of a second you began to doubt your decision and an instant replay goes off in your minds eye and you recall all the fights, the arguments and innuendos; the belittling, and the near cheats and constant denials, and swoop just like that both the thought, and self doubt that overshadowed you seconds earlier vanished as quickly as it had come. Now bolstered with even more confidence you snapped back “Oh I am sure!”

The next day you woke up with a pip in your step and a perk in you spirit. For the first time in a long time you felt free, truly free, no more pretending, no more going through the motion, no more having sex as a chore rather than a pleasure. Now you were free. Your friends noticed the difference, you family sensed the change, you were smiling again. You can respond to the flirtatious “hey gorgeous what’s sup” from that guy you’ve been noticing on the street every time you go out for lunch, without looking over your shoulder because you had a man. Life was good!

Hours turned into days; days turned into nights and weeks and the confident air that filled you up on your path to *single-dom* began to slowly leak out, and you asked your self why? Sporadic bouts and pangs of loneliness and depression crept in and you pushed them back down, because hey you were single and free to mingle, the world was your stage and you had a part to play. Yet try as you might the air continued to leak out, your ego became sensitive; easily bruised where the simplest of things began to affect you. To make matters worst no body was hitting on you. Didn’t they know that you were single now? Then your phone rang and it’s “him” but instead of answering you turned up your eyes and ignored the call; let it go to voice mail you said to yourself, just like all the other calls and text messages he’s been sending your way since you called it quits. Suddenly you felt the air returning because after all, although there were no new fish on the line at least “he” was still trying to nibble the bait.

Those weeks turned into months and his annoying text messages and phone calls had all but ceased and you thought “finally” the fool got the message. At lunch you shared the recent snit bits with your girl who has been your friend since you first hooked up in high school. As you both poured over the friendly girl gossip, in “he” walked. It was an accidental glance that caused you to spot him from the side. Your friend had not seen him yet so you stole a full eye view and thought to yourself “he” doesn’t look half bad and for a fraction of a second you remembered why you liked him before, and what it was about him that made you fall in love with him in the first place….hold up!! Wait a minute… someone J-walked your view, they walked right across your day dream, slipped their hand in his kissed him on the cheek and as you read her lips she mouthed the words “hi babes hope you weren’t waiting long”.

That night at home in the place you both shared; you began to reminisce and without effort you remembered the nights he took you right where you stood; you remembered his hunger for you and yours for him; you could smell his scent in your nostrils as if he was right there in the room with you; your skin was hot with the sensations you felt because you vividly remembered that he knew your spots, he had explored your body; found each one and committed them to memory. He knew the slightest touch to the small of your back would have set you ablaze. As you stood there remembering; your knees felt weak because you recalled the number of time you came that night. All energy had left you, so he had lifted your limp body and carried you into the bedroom; laid you on the bed and continued where he left off………

Brrrrr shaking your head you told your self snap out of it girl remember the other stuff, remember the real reason you broke it off with him…..

Unconvinced you had made the right choice for the right reasons you walked to the kitchen grabbed a goblet and a bottle of wine, headed to the bedroom took off your work clothes and slipped on a robe, drew a hot bath laced it with scented portions and baby oil, poured yourself a glass of wine, took a sip, dropped your robe to the floor and stepped in your reality….

Have you ever?

Until Next Time…..

K

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2011 in Experience/Feelings

 

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